Walking Wounded

I have a freight train. Isn’t that cool? I actually have many of them. They come in handy. I have a warehouse of them. Unfortunately I’m the only one allowed in my warehouse. In this warehouse is where I load up my freight trains. I only let my freight trains out of the warehouse once they are completely full and “ready to go”. This is when you might actually see one of them.

Let me name some of my FTs (freight trains) for you. I have my “what I want to do with my life” FT. I have a FT for any major theological topic. I have FTs for what I think about just about any topic (politics, people, groups etc.). I have FTs for things I may want to buy. In fact any decision in my life has a FT.

Confused? Let me expound a little more. With anything I face in my life my first step is never just to engage. My first step is to go into my warehouse and begin loading a FT. What am I loading this FT with? I load it with every possible outcome to my engaging and how I would handle that. I load it with a response to anything anyone could say about my engaging. I load it with as much support and as many reasons as possible to back up the decision I’m making.

Once my FT is full, then I engage. Boy do I engage. It takes it a minute to get going but once that FT gets moving there is practically no stopping it. I plow through without looking back. Anyone or anything that gets in the path of my FT will get inevitably thrashed. I will run you right over because I am fully loaded and moving at full speed.
There are ways my FT can get stopped through. Someone could throw overboard everything that I loading it up with (this has happened on occasion). Someone else with a freight train coming straight at me can create a very explosive and dangerous collision. Or, lastly, I might come up with a new FT to replace the old one and can send the old one into retirement.

It can’t be all that bad can it? I mean, it’s good to think before you act, right? It’s good to have reasons for every decision you make, for every action you take, for every word you say. While there is some truth to that, it can be grossly thrown out of proportion (Like say needing an entire FT worth of reasons).

There are quite a number of negative results of this habit of mine. One I kind of mentioned is how it affects others. When I voice my opinion or get into a discussion, (keep in mind the only discussions I’ll actually get into are ones I have a full FT for) the other person typically feels attacked, belittled, devalued and generally gets the impression I think they are stupid.

Another huge negative of this behavior of mine is that it keeps me from taking risks. I live life safe. If I have any way to make a piece of my life safer (even if it’s plenty safe already) I will do it. I end up missing out on a lot of things I would really enjoy because I can’t fill up a FT for it. I miss out on getting to know people (and vice versa) because I don’t get a FT to engage them with.

In “Where’s Brett?” I talked about how I handle my fear of rejection by people. I think this is a piece of that, but this also plays out into how I live my life for me and not just how others perceive me. With my FTs I am effectively killing my desires for myself because they are not safe. I was born with and still have an adventurous, daring and dangerous heart. Hopefully I can start recognizing my FTs, get out of my warehouse and start living my life.

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