Walking Wounded

I don’t think a lot of people would label me as insecure. In fact I think most people who meet me think I have it together, am chock full of confidence and never doubt the decisions I make. I don’t blame people for seeing me that way. The reason they see me that way is because that is exactly what I want them to see. When the truth is I am full of insecurity.

I think it’s common for people to hide their insecurity. Who wants to be seen as vulnerable or weak? Eventually that becomes too hard to keep up and you just want to scream “I don’t know what I’m doing! I am about to fall apart!” This is how I’ve felt recently. Life at it’s present moment leaves me feeling insecure about everything.

I have a new job that I’m still not prepared for. I own a house that I’m not ready to keep up to shape. I’m in a relationship that’s in the “We’ll see what happens” phase. I have issues with my family that I don’t understand and am trying to work out. I’m about to have my roommates leave, which puts me in a financial strain.

In all honesty I feel like life is in a complete free fall. I just want one thing to be set in stone! Just one thing. I’m used to being unsure about things but could always land on, “well at least I know this one thing.” Right now I don’t feel like I have one thing to rely on.

I know the right answer. God is in control just rely on Him and He will work everything out. Though I know that to be true, actually believing it and resting in it is a whole other story. It’s hard to say but the truth is I don’t trust God. I feel like it is completely up to me to resolve my insecurities.

Hopefully I’ll get there. But for once, it’s nice to say out loud that I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Lots and lots going on. I’ve been crazy busy with my new job. I love my new job. It has been really hard so far. I have a lot of responsibility and a lot to learn. I am taking in about as much as my brain can handle. I like my bosses. They have good heads on their shoulders and manage me well.

I’m already doing work for companies. It is definitely a different world than I am used to. I wasn’t expecting this but I’m finding I like people more than I thought. I don’t know why but I was expecting to meet all these business people and have them all rub me the wrong way. However, so far I love meeting new people.

I’d love to go into details about things but for confidentiality reasons I’m going to stay heavily on the vague side.

This job change has been great for me. Working at Campus Crusade for Christ was not a good fit for me. Only those close to me knew this but I hated working there. And I mean hated. I would say my views of Christianity definitely clashed with theirs. I was never very outspoken about it though. Anytime I’d touch on something I’d get shut down and people would nervously look at me as if I were this awful heathen. This wouldn’t be a big problem at most places, because you know people believe different things. But Crusade would try to facilitate bonding between people and studying the Bible and I would just get frustrated because I drastically disagreed with what people were saying. Mix that with the fact that I didn’t want my job to be in jeopardy because I think tracts are a terrible way to “witness” and I was forced to “practice doing so on someone”, or that I adamantly disagree with one of the four spiritual laws.

Okay, I’m getting off track of my intentions for this post. I just have a sour taste in my mouth from working there. And I wasn’t allowed to say anything bad about Crusade while I worked there, so I have 2 years of pent up frustrations. So, to sum up, it’s good I left there, which I especially realized on my last days. There were some things that were said to me on my departure that pissed me off something right, but I have integrity and won’t go into it.

Back to the new job. My first week I traveled to Greenville, SC to train with my brother. I picked up things quick and felt good about it. My second week I spent working from home mostly looking over stuff for a company and getting more familiar with everything. My third week I actually got a couple mini projects that I go to do for some companies. That was really fun. It was the first stuff where I was actually getting stuff done that benefited the company as opposed to just training. This past week I spent a day in Birmingham having meetings with a company I’m on a very big project for.

The next couple weeks I’ll be working my tail off to get things done before Christmas. I have quite a pile of work to do. Which I actually love. I’m really loving the salaried + billable hours type of work. Encourages me to make sure I’m getting stuff done and even work extra hours to pick up extra money (if the work is there). And the more billable hours I get done, the better it is for me and my bosses. So it’s really a win win scenario.

It reminds me of a quote from Office Space. Here it is as best as I can remember it. “If I work my butt off and Innetech ships a couple extra units I don’t see a dime. So where is the motivation Bob.” I feel like this very common problem with salaried jobs is remedied by the exact system my company is using.

This is getting long so I’ll wrap it up. Basically the job situation couldn’t be going better for me and it is a real praise and answer to prayer that I’m where I’m at now. I really enjoyed blogging again and hopefully I’ll at least update once a week or so. I’m sure I’ll write some Wii game reviews once I actually get one.