Walking Wounded

I don’t experience the moment I’m in. Pretty much ever. I think about it sometimes. “Wow, this is cool” and then I’m no longer in the present. Where am I? I am in the future. My head is constantly in the future. How so? Well, mostly worrying. I wake up and don’t experience my breakfast, my shower, or the calmness that comes with morning. No, I’m thinking about when I’m going to get to work. I’m thinking about what I’m doing after work. I am always thinking about the next thing. So during my shower I’m thinking about what I want for breakfast. During breakfast I think about whos driving, dan or me, into work. I think about how will I feel today. I don’t even notice how I’m feeling right now. Just worrying about how I’ll feel later. Will I be bored at work. Will I find something to do. Will I feel depressed today. Will I emotionally breakdown tonight.

It’s no wonder I can’t ever calm down. Even if I was actually calm, I wouldn’t experience it because I’d be thinking about if I’d be calm 5 minutes from now. If my head is always in the future, am I even experiencing life. Because when I do hit that moment in the future, I won’t be living then, I’ll be worrying about the next one. The only time I really live in the present is if there is something in the present that I can worry about. I live my life stressed and worried. Seriously, I can’t calm down. It’s very annoying. I can’t acknowledge the breathe I’m currently taking because I’m too busy thinking about the next breathe.

This stress and worrying has been very difficult lately. Why? I’m only just now realizing how bad it is. It was always in the back of my mind. I had learned to live with it all. But now I’m bringing it to the front of my mind. It has been playing out it unhealthy ways and I need to get rid of it. So recently I’ve been searching my soul for the things I worry about and I get overwhelmed. Now, it’s good I’m bringing all these worries because hopefully I can begin to kill them. One by one. But as I said, it is completely overwhelming because there is just so much there that I am digging up. So, it’s difficult, but healthy.

But now get this. I worry about worrying. In fact, now, it may be the thing I worry about the most. I worry that 30 minutes from now I’ll be so overwhelmed by all the worrying that I’ll break down. It’s a nasty spiral. Because worrying only grows. And it’s hard to kill. And I’m so tired. I’m so tired of fighting it. Seriously, I’d give anything to just relax for a while. This discovery is only in the past few days so we’ll see how I do with it.

Its nice to make a decision that turns out right

I sold my copy of Mario ddr about a month ago for $130, not really knowing what its value would do but expecting it to drop. Well, it’s dropping and that makes me happy. Last copy sold for $86. Here’s an interesting thing to take though. Whether its value went up or down after I sold it, I still have $130 and the effect that has on my life is exactly the same. In that sense it doesn’t really matter what its value does after that. Then why do I get such joy out of seeing it go down?

Its unnerving to have a decision out there that doesn’t seem solid

I’ve been selling my Sachen games on ebay. Sachen games are rare old NES games that sell pretty well ($25-$40 each) compared to most Nintendo games ($2-$8 each). So, they never show up on ebay. There are a couple that occasionally show up but only select titles. I start selling mine and they are going well. I’m pleased with the first 2 weeks of sales and I have a number of them currently up. Well, this week another guy is listing a whole bunch of his Sachen games. Ebay is kind of all about competitive timing. Supply and demand you know. The more bidders the higher things go. The more sellers the lower things go. It’s best to have as few people competing with the same thing as you on ebay. So, this is discouraging. He has a lot of the entire collection up which comes out to about $16 a game. I actually considered buying it and reselling it myself just to kill the competition. And I’d probably make money off it. He also has a lot of single games up but only about 7 different titles(there are about 53). I just find it unusual, irritating, and somewhat coincidental that these finally show up on ebay (via me) and within 2 weeks a bunch more show up. Grr.

It’s odd how decisions feel different than expected

I’m in the very early stages of selling off my video game collection. I started with all of them stacked on my bookshelf. Now I’ve only sold about 30 games so far (out of over a 1000). I tried to sell games before about 2 years ago. It was tough. I picked games I didn’t like, and didn’t care about, and figured I had no need for. I remember being nervous as I listed them. I remember feeling like crap once I shipped each one out. I remember feeling like, damn, there goes that piece of my collection. My collection had just lessened. I no longer had that part of my collection. It was actually emotionally distressing (little disturbing huh?). Well, this time, it’s a different story. So far I’ve actually been selling pieces of my collection that I prized more. My rare stuff. The hard-to-find stuff. Yet, it’s been a completely different feeling this time. This time I had a sense of Finally! when I listed them and a feeling of excitement. Then even more when I shipped them out there was a sense of relief. An unusually strong sense of relief. The other day I was at home looked at the bookcase where I had put the games I’m slowing selling off and noticed that it looked a bit smaller. I noticed a small gap where I had grabbed games that I sold. Again, I felt really good and was so glad to see that gap. It felt good for that part of the collection to be gone. Confused?

My history

Let me tell you a back story and maybe it’ll help everything make sense. I started collecting after Rachel (tragic break up story for those who don’t know) broke up with me. Collecting became one of my escapes. I figured a hobby would be a healthy thing to get into. I spend a lot of time on it. I loved it. Working on something. Completing something. It was all about being complete. I wanted the game, box, and manual. I wanted the game complete. This is a common term among collectors. I wanted every game. I remember the intoxication of the number growing. I have 50. I have 100. I have 372 out of 800. I was getting close to completion. I wanted the hard-to-find games. Ah, the hunt. I’d spend hours going to pawn shops and flea markets just a save a few bucks on a game (as opposed to getting it on ebay). Or just to find that jackpot rare find (which happened a couple times). I collected for about 2 to 3 years. Then it sort of died out. I quit collecting. It just kind of happened. It wasn’t a conscious decision. Then for a year or two, the games just sat in my closet. I’d pull them out every now and again. I still liked having them. I still took pride in my collection. Even if they were just all boxed up in my closet. Eventually I’ve kind of grown tired of it and want to sell them because there is nothing there now. I get nothing out it. No enjoyment, no pride. Its more of a hassle and annoyance than anything and I just want to get rid of them.

My revelation

I was talking about some of this with Constance the other night. I’ve come to realize that these are unusual emotions to feel and especially as strongly as I feel them. My games are my baggage. And I’ve been carrying it around for years. I’ve boxed it up and stuck it in my closet. Looking back at the beginning is interesting. I had something associated with me that I could tangibly work on and make better, more complete . . . perfect. It was satisfying. I definitely felt broken and depressed. I couldn’t fix things. I didn’t know what to even work on. But this — yes, this I could work on. This I could pour emotions into and I wouldn’t get let down. This I could work on and move closer and closer to it being greater, perfect. And my collection wouldn’t get up and walk out. As the collection grew so did the attachment, or the bond between me and my collection (the love? affection? hmm, scary, weird). A defense mechanism from my pain? Most definitely. A healthy one? Well, I really don’t know. I needed something to survive. But it served its purpose. It’s over. That stage has come and gone.

This is why I had so much trouble selling them a couple years ago. I still wasn’t over things. I still wasn’t ready to let go. I didn’t even know that was going on. In fact this whole realization has happened in the past week, but I’m definitely running with it. I just thought I really liked collecting and that’s why it was so hard to let go. Now, as I sell my collection, it’s like I’m letting go of the pain. It’s like I’m letting go of that attachment. I’m finally unpacking that box of junk in my closet and getting rid of it. The phrase “cleaning out the closet” has never made so much sense to me. It’s never had such a literal translation for me. I feel like I could go on forever with all the parallels between experiencing my pain, coping with it, and finally letting it go, and my collection. I feel more and more peace and joy with each game I ship, with each gap I see in that collection, with each piece of baggage I’m finally letting go of. And I didn’t even know about it.

Do you see any parallels I didn’t mention? Have you experienced something that translates so well from physical items to emotional feelings? I’ll tell you, it’s quite an eye opener.

I really like metal music. But only certain types. I’m not talking about 80′s metal or even much of the 90′s metal. More the metal of today. What the kids(you know, the jr high and high schoolers) are calling metal today. There are those that like all types of it, but I am a bit more picky. Why would anyone like metal? It has all that screaming/growling/yelling/noise or whatever you call that. Here is where I confuse people. I find it very mellow and relaxing. Huh? Yep, all that hard guitar and screaming is like yoga to me. I was talking to Mike Ropp about this (who shares this musical interest) on the campout. Metal is very Rythmatic and Melodic. I find the guitar riffs bueatuful and the guitar and drum rythms intoxicating. It makes me chill and whatever I’m doing feels fluid. Metal is very fluid and tight. That said, I can’t stand sloppy metal. And oddly enough, I’m picky when it comes to the vocals. Some screamers are just better than others. I know they aren’t anything like metal, but say the screaming in Hawthorne Heights drives me nuts. It’s terrible. When say, As I Lay Dying has probably my favorite scream. I’m also a fan of Still Remains and Becoming the Archetype(though I don’t like his scream a ton). Metal is great for programming. Getting into the zone, getting into that rythm of programming. Metal just keeps you flowing. It’s nice. It actually facilitates thinking for me. I like listening to it when I’m writting also. So, ya this is why I find metal mellow.

I love video games. It’s true. I also practically never play them anymore. Why? Mainly I don’t have the time. Or there are many other things I’d rather spend my time doing. But also, there just aren’t any new good games coming out. Video games today often bore me. None of them excite me. This is why I like Nintendo. They are the most innovative video game maker and I’m really excited for their next console and the new types of gameplay it will be bringing. Why am I talking about this. Well, for the first time in years I’ve found a game I am actually excited about. It’s called spore. There are too many details about the game to mention. But I recommend watching this video about it. Note, it is an hour long but is very interesting I think, even if you don’t like video games. If you want something short there is a cut version Here thats only about 30 minutes long. I really havn’t been excited about a new game like this in a long time. I know, I’m lame.